April 20, 2009
Changes in me
I have started to notice that I am so different now. I do and think things that are completely uncharacteric of me. Things hurt my feelings that didn’t used to. I worry about things that I never even gave a second thought to. I guess things bother me now when I didn’t used to give them a second thought because my view of myself is so different. I have some serious issues with self esteem. I realize it. I accept it. I just cannot change it overnight. I placed so much of my self-worth on my career, on my looks, on my intelligence. I realize that I was on my way, recovering from my divorce, going to school, getting accredidation in my field, really coming to my own! But then, BAM! It was all placed on hold, taken away in a millisecond, in the time that it took for two vehicles to crash into another. In that small portion of a second I lost so much of what I had worked for. Im bitter about that. But I do realize that I can get it all, or most of it, back. With alot of hard work and some time…at least I can get it back. When I was in the hospital, I met some people who had no hope of getting their life as they knew it back, some people who’s brain was injured in such a way that parts of it had been destroyed, people who had lost limbs, people who had broken their spine resulting in paralysis of various body parts and limbs. I am so fortunate that I still have the hope of getting skills back or hadn’t lost them at all. So, for that, I am so so so grateful! But, I have noticed the emotional changes, the changes in the psychology of me. I’m doing things that I just dont understand. I’m having thoughts that I just dont understand. Is it normal for people to change after a head injury? I take things so personl. I read more into things that are said. I dont even like me when I get like this, when I get offended over stuff that would have never hurt me before, when I jump to conclusions that are completely out of left field. It makes it hard on my friends and that makes me even more needy and even more suspicious, so I’m afraid than that they can’t stand me now and will abandon me. You see? I’m just so freaking needy!! I don’t like saying to my boyfriend “Can’t you just talk to me?” “I need you to talk to me” I need you to tell me what you feeling” How needy is that? That is so not me. Im whining and pleading and I cant stop. After I do it I hate myself for it. So this is a catch 22. I should talk to my psychiatrist about it, but I’m not sure he would have any experience dealing with people who have suffered a brain injury. So, if anyone knows a psychiatrist in the Roanoke, Greensboro, Danville area that could help and understand this, I would really appreciate you telling me about em.
April 18, 2009
Example
One thing that has bothered me so much, that has made me feel so bad about myself, has made me feel so worthless. is that my stepmom used to bring my stepbrother’s kids to see me at work and would tell them that if they studied hard and worked hard then they could work in an office too, that they could have a career doing anything if they set their minds to it. It used to make me feel so good to see them coming and to know that I was setting a positive example for them. And now, that I dont have the same job and don’t work in an office, I feel like I can no longer be a good role model. That made me feel so worthless and hurt me so bad, because I love my nieces and nephews with all my heart. I wanted to be a role model for them and I felt like I wasn’t anymore. However, I’ve dealt with those feelings and have realized and made the decision that I can still, am still, a role model to them. They love me and look up to me regardlesss. And, I had it all, then lost it and it will take a struggle to get back, and I will. It is that struggle that can serve as an example to them. That working toward a goal and attaining that goal, and I WILL attain it, is a great example to set for my nieces and nephews. It took alot of soul searching and alot of acceptance for me to realize that my situation is only temporary and that my struggle of working my way back from where I was and reaching for my dreams beyond that can be a positive example for them. So, even more than my strong desire to reach my fullest potential, my strenth and persistance can allow me to still be a good role model. I will work hard for me, but also for them, I want to show them how not giving up and hard work will pay off. I’ve made the desicion that I can still be a good example and I will be. I will be a great role model for those kids!
April 9, 2009
Careers
I have stayed in my home by myself again for the third time. Its working out well. I miss having my career, but, you what, I can still go back to having that career, or a similiar one. Just because I’m not working at the same place doesn’t mean that I can’t work doing the same thing somewhere else. So, my career is what I want to write about. When I first wrecked it took a long time to get my interests back. Slowly, bit by bit, I got them back, one by one, a little at a time. So recently, I’ve begun noticing things that I would’ve noticed last year, right after the accident. I’ve started thinking about ideas that I used to get. See, I worked in Commercial Real Estate. I did site selection and property management. So, I’ve started noticing what sites would work for which businesses and noticing things that a Tenant of a property would notice and call the Landlord about. That was my career. That was my business. I’m taking my interest as a positive step for me. It makes me proud of myself and happy for myself that I am still interested in things like that. I was starting to be afraid that I had changed, that my personality and what made me be me was gone. I’m pleased that it’s coming back. I’m glad that I’m thinking like that. So, much to my surprise, a brain injury does not mean that life is going to be drastically different. Yes, some things are different for me, but I’ve learned that some things can return after time. Patience is something that I am lacking, but something that is totally necessary for handling a brain injury. The doctors told me that time to heal would be necessary. Time! No one said how much time, so there is no way to figure it out. That in itself is hard for me. I am the type of person that needs to have things scheduled, that needs to plan ahead for things that I know are going to happen, when they’re gonna happen, what’s gonna happen. So, this whole thing has me as a fish out of water. I can’t know whats gonna happen next, I can’t plan ahead, I can’t count on anything, Shit!, I dont even know what to count on!! So, a special gift that someone who has suffered a brain injury can have or earn is patience. I wish all of those people patience.
New Territory For Me 