March 24, 2009
Thoughts
I had a busy and eventful weekend. I stayed at my house for the first time. I stayed by myself friday night. A friend came over and we cooked dinner and watched a movie. He stayed with me till about 1:30 am, then left. I slept well. It was great being in my own bed again. I never thought I’d be so homesick, that I’d get ready to go to my own home and not stay with my grandparents in my childhood home, but I am so ready to do that. Maybe it’s because I can’t go home, that I want to go home so bad. I understand that I can’t go home because it isn’t prudent for me to do that, that it would be something that I need to do a little at a time. The reasons make sense to me. It is just hard to accept that is all. But, anyways, I did get to stay at my house friday and saturday night. I spent most of the day Saturday alone at my house after I got up. I cleaned the bedroom. The first time in months that I had been cleaned. I took a bath in my own tub. I read in a book laying on my own bed. I really enjoyed me time. I needed the me time in my own house. Then my friend came over and we met our friends and their kids and her sister and bro in law at the bullriding event. We all went to the civic center and then out to eat at IHOP. It was great seeing all of them again. I used to work with my friend and I hadn’t seen her in a long time. She came down to the hospital to see me when I was in the car wreck, but I don’t remember her. She really did alot for me, was really concerned and helpful. I miss her alot! It was good seeing her, but yet, it made me wonder if I am now really so different. It made me miss how I used to be. There are alot of things about myself that I wouldn’t go back to. In fact, I guess I like “me” better now after the accident than I like the “me” before the accident. I had alot of baggage that I was hauling around. I kept living a nightmare over and over. Now, with all the great things that I have lost, I have also lost the bad stuff too. So I guess, in hind-sight, I wouldn’t trade all of these things I’m dealing with now for all tbe misery I was putting on myself. Anyways….enough already huh?…after we all went out Saturday night I came back to my own house and he stayed with me Saturday night and we went out Sunday to a bird show. We got back to my house around 5 and I called grandma and papa to come on down and get me and bring me back to their house. It was a busy busy weekend. Physically draining and emotionally draining too. It was emotionally draining because emotionally I ran the gammut. I ran back and forth between feeling happy and sad, smart and stupid. I had to deal with what was different and that hurt. I had to deal with what was different and that was great. Emotionally…it was draining! I don’t know what is gonna come up. I don’t know what direction I”m going to head in. I don’t know what my future holds and that is scary for me. That scares me to death to not be able to plan. I need to revise my old plan. And that is scary. I’m having such a hard time dealing with all of the differences in my life. But, I have faith that I can handle whatever comes my way. I have faith that I can figure something out. Basically, I just have faith in myself.
March 12, 2009
today is a good day…
The past few days have been good days. I’ve been to the chirorpractor and got some acupuncture, shopping, to a support group. But, the weather was fantastic. With the warmth and the sun it reminded me that spring will soon be here. It seems that things are starting to look up for me. That I can see the light at the end of the tunnel (not sure if its the headlamp of an oncoming train or not). Basically Im feeling more content and more hopefull. Nothing familiar in my life – my job, driving, living on my own – is back, but I’m starting to figure out ways that I can move in that direction. I still have the hope that things will turn out as I had planned, and you know, I’ve had time to examine me – the real me, not the me based on my career – and that examination has made me not like the “old me” very much. With all of the changes I’m having to get used to and to deal with, I still wouldn’t go back to my life a year ago because there are so many things about it that I don’t like. So many things that I did then, that I would never do now, that I don’t like. So, I guess I’m glad that I have the opporunity to examine myself and to be the person that I want to be, that I can be a person that I’m proud of. I really don’t like how much mental skill I’ve lost, but I don’t like the emotional skill and baggage that I was carrying around before my TBI. so…today is a brand new day! Thank the Lord. I’m here to enjoy it and all of the gifts it brings!
New Territory For Me 